I am realising, i do not need to be like this. I am a good person with plenty to give to others, in fact I have helped others because of my own understandings. It is just being able to accept myself for what I am and who I am. So far forward but not as far as I would like to be, patience will get me there to the place where I shall find my happiness and contentment. 

The awful feelings of pointlessness return this morning for some reason, urggh,  probably the result of the head injury. I have no control over them, don't want them, quite aware that i should change, but how? Tried anything i can think of but nothing works. I worry incase these feelings tip me over an edge i won't come back from. This is why i must escape from my fathers influence, he seems to exude negative vibes, no joy, laughter or even anger, just exists within his shell of a human being.

Bit of background on things......suffered serious brain injury some years ago 2008, and I am now staying with my father and somewhat financially tied to him. He wants me to stay with him to relieve his loneliness, but i am trying to get back on my own two feet and guess what? He does not like it and is spreading his misery as much as he can to me. I am finally realising I do have a life of my own and not under his control...so the fight starts.

Ok passed the felling sorry for myself stage, or have I? Time to get on with things.....and start changing things.

I am 54ys old, divorced with 2 lovely children, and i would like a life please, away  from the unhappiness I have been feeling for many years and not being able to understand why, finally things maybe changing.

I have reached a point in life, when I need to now accept that I am in control of that life, not my father anymore. Years, many years of emotional abuse and some physical, have left me in a space where I have not felt any control over who i am and the abilities I have. It is time now, for me to take over that control, not feel any sort of connection or tie with my father anymore. He is a bully, living in a dark, sad place, alone and he will die in that place, soon hopefully. No it was wrong to say that, I am not going to become bitter and twisted, but happy and spiritual.